Oh Jesus,

I’m so sorry.

But I’m super mad.

Really mad.

Is that alright to be mad at you?

You are like my Father, and I’ve been known to get mad at him (sorry, dad!), so I suppose, yes, I can be mad at You, too.

I feel strange writing that.

Like I’ll upset You if I’m mad at You.

I mean, who am I compared to You?

But I know You want us to be real.

To be honest.

And right now, my super honest attitude is angry.

Why, You ask politely, even though You know every reason why?

Well, because I want my way.

I want a life of firsts, not to be part of a solution to healing.

I want our children to all be one big happy family, an original family.

I want my life to be normal.

Not a solution.

I see friends whose kids are theirs and their husbands only.

Both my husband’s and my parents have been married over 50 years.

To the same person.

I want that.

Now we need to both live into our 90’s for our 50th.

Please?!!!

I want at least 1 of the babies taken from us.

Miscarriage is just plain stupid.

Why allow pregnancy only to take it away?

I know it would be work, yes, I’m fully aware of that.

But I like to look at the bright side.

Except when I’m mad.

Like now.

And another thing.

I don’t want healing, because that means something is not normal.

I just want normal.

A normal family, with normal kid issues, and lots of memories built together under our roof.

So, that’s why I’m mad.

I’m mad because my husband and I don’t have the same children and haven’t been married already 25 years.

I wish that was the case.

I almost feel stupid admitting I’m mad at You.

Who am I anyway?

Of the hundreds of billions You have created, I am merely one.

And how dare I become mad at You, merely because I don’t have what I think is the way my life should go?

You know best.

You allowed sin and people to have choices.

Your grace completely covers our entire family.

I know we live in a broken world, and my precious family is a light to that world.

A promise of God’s help.

An example of His goodness when all looks bleak.

A role model of Your healing balm.

Thank you so very much for all You have done for me and my dear husband.

Little ‘ole us.

The children all famously get along.

Our relationships between parents and kiddos really couldn’t be better.

You have been simply amazing to both my husband and myself.

We are thankful every day for the other.

And I love You for that.

Nothing surprises You.

You hold our lives in Your capable hands.

Can I just get a little explanation sometime?

Words of wisdom to my heart?

Wait.

Hold on.

Oh, I see.

I was complaining about being a solution to healing instead of an original family.

But…

YOU were a solution to healing.

You were THE solution to healing for our broken world.

So I suppose it’s alright to be a solution to healing in my family.

After all, that’s what You were.

And are.

You’re asking me to identify with who You are.

I love that.

Well, in that case, alright.

I can identify with You as a solution to healing.

Putting everything in that light helps my perspective.

Makes me almost grateful.

Thank you for that.

Thank you for listening.

I trust You.

Love, Amy

 

 

Photos by eberhard grossgasteiger on Unsplash